If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i think i have two assholes
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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