Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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