What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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