I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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