if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
