I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
