I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I need to align my fucking chakras
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
