I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
