At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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