she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
