Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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