I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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