Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
just tell him i said nine months
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
