he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
