I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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