I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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