I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
