Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
