I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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