Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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