I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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