worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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