Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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