I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
