I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
