Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
