you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
