It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
