I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
