literally had 100 drinks last night.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
