I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
