Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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