you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
