Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
