just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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