So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Randomize
