chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
