That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
