omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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