Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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