Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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