when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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