Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
