im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
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Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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