i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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