I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
