The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
