sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
