My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
