I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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