Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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