The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
