you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
