i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
