I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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