forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
