I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize