the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
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You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
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We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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