I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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