Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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