your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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