i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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