I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
