you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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